Tuesday, July 31, 2007

老人

一手撑着拐杖
一手持着香
紧闭着双眼
口中念念有词
虔诚地对着佛像膜拜
愿菩萨能保佑全家

驼背的身躯
刻划着岁月的痕迹
对家中老幼的关爱
丝毫不曾减退
虽白发苍苍
依然惦记着全家

看着年迈的身影
泛起莫名的感触
其实菩萨听到的愿望
是个年过八旬的老人
对整个家的期望



新版本

一手撑着拐杖
一手持着香
紧闭着双眼
口中念念有词
虔诚地对着佛像膜拜
愿菩萨能保佑全家

驼背的身躯
刻划着岁月的痕迹
对家中老幼的关爱
丝毫不曾减退
虽白发苍苍
依然惦记着全家

看着年迈的身影
泛起莫名的感触
其实菩萨听到的愿望
是个年过八旬的老人
对整个家的期望啊





备注:新版本虽只增多了一个字,但希望会有更好的效果,大家给点意见吧,谢谢!






6 comments:

ziyino said...

like no ending leh~
被卡在一半酱~

Yimino said...

Any suggestion?

ziyino said...

do an ending lah~
mayb abt her hope or didt"pu sa" fulfill her wishes.

Yimino said...

but,d main point that i want 2 express is d last 2 sentences in d poem, not "pu sa" dont fulfill her wish...

actually, that old people know "pu sa" may cant fulfill her wish successfully ...but d main point that i want 2 express is what she talk 2 "pu sa" is what she wish her family's members can do it.

123 said...

I think second one is better!

ziyino said...

yaya, like this better!